INSIGHTS (on leadership/self-leadership)
Everyone wants to get better. The question is, how do you get better in a better way?
Don’t ask for feedback.
Wait, what?
Harvard research shows it’s far better to ask for advice.
Doing so turns people into an ally instead of a critic. You almost can’t help it – when someone asks you for feedback, the “critic” light switches on in your brain. People don’t like to be critics, so they’re more likely to withhold what they really want to say. But if the “ally” light switches on, which is what happens when you ask for advice, honesty and insight that can help you is much more likely to flow freely.
Think about it. By asking for advice, you’re showing that you’re open to getting better, which people will shift into the mindset to help you do. If you ask for feedback, they go into evaluation mode, which becomes more of an uneasy conversation on how you’re doing than it is an energized conversation on how you can get better.
And, by the way, when you ask for advice, people will be more detailed and actionable about their input, because they want to be a valued ally. Case in point, in one study, the Harvard researchers asked 200 people to give input on a job application, asking some to give feedback on the application and others to give advice. Those who gave feedback were vague and glossed over flaws in the application, giving only praise.
Those who were asked to give advice gave more critical and actionable input. In fact, advice-givers gave comments on a whopping 34 percent more areas of improvement and gave 56 percent more ways to improve. Three more studies by the researchers produced similar conclusions.
In other words, self-improvement is turbo-charged by asking for advice, versus asking for feedback.
IMPERFECTIONS (a mistake I’ve made)
In my corporate career, one mistake I made far too often was looking to others for a sense of validation. It’s a never-ending quest that’s a temporary victory at best, and a soul-sucking pursuit at worst.
So, what to do about it?
I came across a great piece by author Dina Denham Smith that echoes so much of what I’ve written about this topic over the years, so I wanted to share that here. If you want to get off the external validation treadmill, try these strategies.
1. Understand that your insecurities are not a personal weakness.
If you think your insecurities are a flaw, it only makes you even more likely to crave validation. The form and intensity the validation comes in likely won’t be enough, which will further add to your insecurities. A truly vicious cycle. When you think of your insecurities as a natural part of being human, you break this cycle.
2. Focus on strengthening your strengths.
Of course, there’s always room to improve on the things you’re not good at. But when you focus on that too much, it’s only natural that you’ll seek validation to offset the negative feelings you’re compounding about yourself along the way. When you spend more time on your strengths, positive self-assessment abounds, mitigating the need for external validation.
3. Broaden your definition of success.
This was a big one for me. Simply put, I shifted my mindset and stopped tagging so much of my self-worth to what others thought of me at work. Work doesn’t define me. I define the role it plays in my life.
4. Audit your relationships.
Relationships that leave you feeling lesser than are some of the most insidious, quietly toxic, relationships there are. Be mindful of those that make you feel this, and opt out.
IMPLEMENTATION (one research-backed strategy, tip, or tool)
One of the attributes I like most from employees is proactivity. Own it.
But how do you coach someone on being more proactive? Ask them to be EAGER:
Evolve your predictive ability. Learn to anticipate issues and events by identifying patterns and taking time to scenario plan.
Always add value. Make it a mantra. Revel in your resourcefulness in so doing. Taking this approach forces proactivity as passivity can’t deliver up to this standard.
Get off the sidelines and participate. Develop a discomfort with not being in the mix.
Establish a habit of over-communicating. You take more control by doing this and get more back as it encourages reciprocation.
Rustle the snakes out of the grass. Commit time to look for, spot, and fix problems before they bite you.
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