INSIGHTS (on leadership/self-leadership)
Ever notice how achieving balance is NEVER a bad thing? Work-life balance, balanced meals, a balanced checkbook – all good.
It’s no different with happiness – which can be fueled by a specific kind of balance. Unlock this equilibrium with the “Balance the Scales” exercise. Here’s how it works.
Picture a scale, perfectly balanced by two sides of equal weight – presence in the moment, and meaningful goals. Happiness first happens when you’re present in the moment, in a mindset to experience simple pleasures and the little joys tucked into daily life.
Easier said than done, I know, as Harvard research shows an astonishing 47% of the time we’re not focused on what’s right in front of us – and measured happiness in these times is at its lowest. You can get stuck in “The Unhelpful In-Between,” when you’re not appreciating the experience unfolding before you, nor are you able to fully engage in whatever has you distracted. It can lead to a life half-lived versus fully realized.
Instead, before engaging in something, recite the acronym ZINO: “Zone In, Not Out.” Remind yourself to, “Be mindful, not mind full.” Or keep asking yourself, “What has my attention right now?” If it’s not the thing right in front of you, redirect. Staying present is a profound present – for you, and those around you.
On the other side of the scale, happiness also comes from setting and striving for meaningful goals (and ultimately achieving them too, of course). This is especially true when you set and pursue intrinsic goals, like personal growth or being better in a relationship. Setting goals like this takes extrinsic, or external factors, out of play, increasing the likelihood you’ll foster more happiness.
Note that whether it’s meaningful intrinsic or extrinsic goals you set, you achieve happiness in the pursuit of them, not just the accomplishment. Ask any world-class athlete how they achieve the levels they do, and they’ll tell you how important it is to draw joy from the process of achieving excellence, not just the excellence itself.
All in all, the “Balance the Scales” exercise is about ensuring you’re giving equal weight to experiencing joy in the now, and joy in what’s to come.
IMPERFECTIONS (a mistake I’ve made)
People infuriate me more and more. There, I said it. I do, however, realize that I make the mistake of being impatient with people too often of late. I decided to follow my own advice and recommit to practicing radical acceptance – which is truly accepting people for who they are, and seeing everyone’s inherent worth and goodness. It starts with the understanding that I must…
embrace the interdependence between imperfect human beings
Meaning, we’re all imperfect human beings, and should accept each other as such. You need the gifts that others can bring to your life, and they need yours – we are interdependent. I think this is an especially important reminder as we steer into the holiday season, which is often filled with visits with people who have glaring imperfections.
Ah, but you say, how do I practice radical acceptance with a “difficult person,” one that’s challenging to accept as they are? With three strategies:
1. Stop wishing they were different.
Meaning, it’s easy to get caught into wishing that a difficult person (one you have a hard time accepting), were different. But you must give them room to be themselves, and stop the futility of wishing otherwise. Much of improving relationships with someone is about trying to change the INTERCHANGE with them, not trying to change THEM. And ask yourself if you’re really just substituting the word “difficult” for “different.” Embrace their differences, avoid labeling them, and acknowledge that you can learn from them, BECAUSE they’re different from you.
2. Stop assuming intent.
It’s hard to radically accept someone when you’re assuming bad intent behind their behaviors and actions. Simply put, don’t. And don’t be so quick to judge. Instead, seek to understand their point of view. Even if you see them as a “difficult person,” know that “difficult people” rarely see themselves that way. There are usually perfectly legitimate reasons for their behavior, such as underlying insecurities they have, for example.
3. Create small bridges.
Little olive branches and acts of kindness, empathy, and forgiveness can go a long way towards helping us accept one another for who we are. Make the effort to build little bridges of connectivity with the challenging individual, like complimenting their idea or apologizing for interrupting them. Drop the defensiveness and default to acknowledgment, not argument. Find things you have in common and build on them.
IMPLEMENTATION (one research-backed strategy, tip, or tool)
Research shows the most stressful time of day on average is 7:23 AM – when all the morning stressors have kicked in (you’re scrambling to get ready for work, trying to feed the kids, worrying about the day ahead and all that you have to do, and so on). In my popular course One-Minute Habits for Success, I share a 3-word strategy to enable a successful start to your day:
Ditch, switch, enrich.
I’ll explain.
Start your day with a ditch, where you ditch (or leave behind) unhelpful thoughts or hang-ups that have been weighing you down. What must you move on from that keeps distracting you, aggravating you, or causing you to feel bad about yourself?
Then switch to something more positive by asking yourself, “What’s the most important thing to accomplish today that will move me towards my goals?”
Now, enrich. Commit to learn something that day, to experience something new, to enrich yourself. Commit to read just a few pages of a book that interests you, read one article during lunch on a topic you’re trying to build expertise on, or ask a colleague to tell you more about their job. You get the idea.
Ditch, switch, enrich; a three-word morning ritual for more success and less stress.
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