INSIGHTS (on leadership/self-leadership)
If you’re like me, when you’re watching the Olympics, you’re thrilled for the winners and feel empathy for the athletes whose dreams have been crushed. But in that despair lies lessons in resilience for us all. Human performance professor David Fletcher recently told the New York Times how Olympic athletes cope with failure in events that, by definition, can have only three winners (medalists). They’re strategies you can employ to be more resilient in your life.
1. See challenges as opportunities for growth rather than threats. That’s precisely what the best athletes do. What would it take for you to do the same? You’d have to really buy into the fact that growth blossoms in the face of most challenges and the only thing that’s threatened is your ego, which is not part of you – it’s outside you.
2. Improve your self-talk. Michael Gervais, a psychologist who coaches Olympians and other elite athletes, has his clients not just visualize winning, but also picturing all the things that could go wrong and how they’ll respond to them. He even has his athletes prepare ahead of an event by writing down their self-talk they’ll commit to engage in if adversity strikes.
3. Draw on a sense of purpose. It has to be more about winning that medal (or getting that promotion or title, or winning that contest, or securing that job, etc.) What higher-order reason is there behind what you’re trying not to fail at? Learning? Growth? Knowing that you’re stepping outside of your comfort zone and pushing yourself? Research shows that those with a sense of purpose behind their activities in life handle stress better. And as Professor Fletcher said, “Having multiple bars to measure success can help athletes to hedge against disappointment.” For example, even if they didn’t win the race, they can still point to other process-oriented goals they achieved, like improving their technique or fine-tuning their strategy for future races. Having continual improvement as a purpose is a stress buster and resilience maker.
4. Have your support system in place. Who do you turn to for your resilience needs, and what do you specifically need from them? For example, maybe part of your resilience network is your sibling, whom you turn to in times of failure because he’ll make you laugh about your “failure”, which you know is what you uniquely need to recover.
5. Acceptance over Anxiety. Ultimately, you’ll have to learn to accept the reality of whatever you didn’t accomplish. It’s part of being human and living a worthy life. It’s okay. You’ll be okay.
IMPERFECTIONS (a mistake many make)
One of the easiest mistakes we can make as human beings, especially in today’s world, is to let our anxiety take over and suck us into a catastrophizing negative thinking spiral. If this happens to you too often (or to someone you know), try the 3-3-3 Rule for easing anxiety and preventing negative thinking from taking over. I discovered it from an interview with a therapist who specializes in treating anxiety disorders. It’s about quieting the anxiety that hijacks you and sends you into a negative spiral, and instead bringing yourself back to the present moment in a much calmer state. It’s about replacing “what if’s” with “what is.” Here’s how it works, according to therapist Joanna Hardis (edited for brevity/clarity):
“You pick 3 things you see, 3 things you hear, and 3 things you feel underneath you. You could also sub out one of these and do 3 breaths. The spirit is to get out of your head and into the moment with your senses. The goal of the 3-3-3 Rule is not to stop anxious thoughts. If you make that the goal, you’ll have more anxious thoughts. The goal is to let your anxious thoughts be there but redirect your attention to something else.” This produces the desired calming effect.
IMPLEMENTATION (one research-backed strategy, tip, or tool)
I do a lot of coaching workshops, part of which we focus on how to give feedback effectively. One of the most common questions I get is “How do I give feedback in a way that will really connect?”
I always recommend the following test. Before you give feedback to that person, whether it’s in person or virtually, imagine that you’re physically sitting next to them, not across from them. Think about it. If you sit next to someone to share feedback, it forces you to take on an empathetic tone – almost as if subconsciously you had your arm around them. It would just be weird to sit next to someone and give feedback harshly. If you’re sitting across from that person, it’s easier to slip into a colder or more distant tone, reinforced by the fact that you’re physically sitting across from the other person (and that there’s space between you). If you picture yourself sitting next to instead of across from them, it means you’re ready to put the issue in front of you, rather than between you. That leads to feedback delivered with empathy, and that connects.
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