INSIGHTS (on leadership/self-leadership)
We’d all like to be more influential, but there’s one surprising superpower that increases your influence exponentially, in a variety of ways.
Validation.
Stanford University instructor Caroline Fleck defines validation as “showing others that you’re there, you get it, and you care.” Acknowledging, accepting, and showing understanding and empathy for others experiences strengthens connections and relationships, defuses conflict, increases self-compassion, and triggers lasting change. In fact, neuroimaging studies have shown that feeling validated is as rewarding as feeling socially connected. And feeling rewarded is motivating. So, once your negative experiences are validated, you’re more motivated to focus on the positive steps you can take to make the changes you need to move forward.
All of this spells influence.
Key to providing validation for people is to watch your language. Meaning, use words and phrases that acknowledges, not discounts, what the other person is saying. You unintentionally discount when you say things like, “It’ll be okay,” or “Well, at least you . . .”, or “It’s not as bad as you think.” We often say things like this because we want to make ourselves feel better, when the other person just wants to feel like they’re not alone.
Better, validating language to use includes “I see,” “Yes, of course,” “I hear you,” and “I see why you’d feel that way.” Using language like this also helps people get past emotions, to express feelings, which opens up discussion on why they feel that way (thus enabling understanding). Since people tend to show their emotions before they explain their feelings, validating language thus serves as a good bridge to being understood/understanding what the other is saying. And with understanding, comes influence.
IMPERFECTIONS (a mistake leaders often make)
A common mistake I see leaders of all types make (but especially younger leaders), is that they try to please everybody. The truth is, while you’re admirably giving of yourself when you engage in people-pleasing behavior, you’re giving away more than you realize. You sacrifice your authentic self. To please others and gain approval, you say “yes” when inside you’re screaming “Hell no!” You tell white lies to avoid hurting feelings and avoid sharing what you’re really thinking. You give away personal productivity as you take on more and more in your desire not to disappoint and to be liked. And your inauthenticity causes others to lose trust in you.
If this is you (or even a little you at times), or if it’s someone you know, Stanford University’s Bob Sutton prescribes The 90-10 Rule:
Strive to have 90 percent like you, and 10 percent that don’t.
And aim for both sides of that. As Sutton shared on Adam Grant’s podcast (and as was written about on Inc.com, edited here for brevity), “I have a long list of friends and a short list of enemies, and I’m equally proud of both lists.”
In other words, striving to be liked by the vast majority of people is a good thing. But if you don’t have 10 percent or so of people who aren’t your biggest fans, it means you’re not pushing hard enough, stretching enough boundaries, taking enough risks, as a leader.
So don’t try to fix or sway that 10 percent back to your side, or shoot for 100-0. The 90-10 Rule is the best way to be a better leader.
IMPLEMENTATION (one research-backed strategy, tip, or tool)
What if you have to give really tough feedback to someone likely not expecting it? The truth is, research shows if this is the case, we most often just won’t give that feedback, or will put it off, for fear of their reaction. And that’s no good for anybody involved.
The key is to take the anxiety out of giving feedback in this situation by knowing what to expect when you do. That’s where the SARAH model comes in. SARAH is an acronym that spells out each stage, in order, of the most common reaction to difficult, unexpected feedback:
Shock – “The feedback doesn’t represent me!”
Anger – The person may feel attacked
Rejection – The person rationalizes and assigns blame elsewhere
Acceptance – Triggered when the person feels safe (not safe in sense that there aren’t going to be painful repercussions, but that you as the giver of the feedback are being non-emotional, objective, and coming from a place of trying to help)
Humility/Help – the person is secure and motivated to act
The idea here is simple – if you know what to expect, stage by stage, you can be better prepared for the feedback session in general, and thus more likely to actually follow through with it (and to do so effectively).
By the way, if the feedback truly is unexpected, (and I say this with love), that’s on you. Hard feedback should not be a surprise to the recipient, but a summation or contextualization of things you’ve been talking about with that person for some time.
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