This week, I’ll forego the usual Insights, Imperfections, and Implementation structure to focus on a singular topic – one I get asked about a lot. For example, an earnest audience member recently asked me, “So, you’ve learned a lot about effective relationships between co-workers. What about between spouses or life partners?”
What follows is the answer I gave, plus extra, for you, my beloved reader. I’ve learned that few things impact a relationship more, either positively or negatively, than the level and quality of presence you bring to the moments within that relationship.
Here’s a little “self-quiz,” meant to help you stay present in any relationship. The more “yes’s” you can muster, either now, or after some intentional effort, the better.
1. Do I stay true to our relationship values?
Just like you have personal values – what kind of person you want to be, what matters most to you to embody, so does your relationship have values. What do you always want to express in your relationship? How do you want to show up? For example, key relationship values for my spouse and I are to always be kind to and respect one another, to have fun and laugh together, and to communicate openly. I often think about how the fullness (or not) of my presence in the moment impacts the extent to which I’m living each of these values.
So, identify your relationship values, for any relationship, keep them front and center, and be aware how the level of your presence impacts those values.
2. Instead of letting it go, do I let it be?
Grudges, or bitterness about the past, distract you, pulling you out of full presence, placing you in an inadequate in-between. You struggle to reconcile past wrongdoings because you struggle to let it go. My advice?
Don’t let it go. Let it be. When someone tells you to “let it go” in a relationship, it’s not helpful, because you’re asking that person to engage in what’s known as cognitive dismissal, one of the hardest things to do in all of psychology. Instead, for whatever is bothering you (within reason), let it be. Sit with it. Know that it’ll be there, maybe always, but that you don’t have to let it gnaw at you. You can change your relationship with that perceived wrongdoing, so it no longer weighs on you, so you can move forward and engage in that relationship with full presence again. The alternative is to keep having difficulty fully engaging because that frustration is still rattling around in the back of your mind. Which isn’t much of an alternative.
3. Do I make it count when it counts most?
Your presence, that is. When you spend a lot of time with someone, all that time is not equal time. I believe some moments matter more than others – specifically those in which the other person really needs you fully engaged. For example, when they need a sympathetic ear, when they’re telling you about something they’re really proud of, or when you have the opportunity to validate and appreciate. Be on alert when these moments arise, and rise to the occasion with your full presence.
4. Do I interrupt autopilot?
I’m talking here about breaking the routine within the relationship, to stop and press pause, even in the face of harried schedules you have to follow, so you can intentionally hold a space to connect, without compromise. So you can ensure that the other is seen, heard, valued, and loved.
At first glance, this can seem counter-intuitive. You tend to spend the most time with someone in your closest relationships, so you have all the opportunities in the world to connect without compromise, right?
But that’s not always how life works. It’s easy to race by one another, with fleeting presence at best, just because you’re trying to navigate through all you have going on. That’s why I encourage you to interrupt autopilot.
5. Am I mindful to “co-habit-tate”?
I’m using word play here. What I mean is do you make a habit of engaging in at least a few of the same hobbies or experiences with your relationship partner? Back to my spouse and I as an example – we’ve discovered we both love watching professional basketball and so make a point to engage in it, regularly, as a shared experience. The beauty of it is neither of us has to work to be fully present with one another while enjoying this activity, because we both enjoy it so much!
6. Do I suspend judgment, and up-end assumptions?
This one is simple – when you’re busy judging the other person, or closing your mind to having your assumptions challenged, you’re not diving into the moment – you’re distorting the moment. So, don’t.
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