INSIGHTS (on leadership/self-leadership)
In general, applying labels to anyone is not a good thing, even when it feels “warranted.” For example, say you’re about to have a difficult conversation with someone and you’re thinking, “I know this is going to be hard because they’re a crybaby.” If that person does react with tears, they’ll be playing into your preconceived label of them, adding to your frustration (as feelings of “Here we go again” flit through your mind). That won’t help. That’s why, if you catch yourself applying labels before going into any conversation, don’t.
With one exception.
A boss of mine once introduced me to an outside group as “one of our top fighter pilots.” It was such a cool description, one I was proud to be “labeled” as. It made me feel special, invincible even.
By the way, that was 23 years ago – and I still think about how it made me feel. So, here’s my challenge to you. Do you have someone in your organization worthy of an inspiring, positive, “label” you could apply? A fighter pilot? A problem-solving ninja? An ace closer? You get the idea. Apply labels people would be proud to wear – the inspiration won’t wear off.
IMPERFECTIONS (a mistake many make)
Want to become tighter with your co-workers? There are plenty of misguided efforts to do so. Like chasing approval and compromising who you are to fit in, or depending too much on happy hours (when everyone doesn’t drink or has kids to pick up, and when research shows that people don’t “mix much at mixers,” they tend to talk only to similar colleagues).
Try these surefire ways to quickly bond with your peers.
1. Follow the By-Laws of Bonding. These say that you quickly create bonds with others when you do one of four things:
– care about them (and show it in a variety of ways)
– listen to them (and act on what they say as much as possible)
– give them something (of value to them, like information, assistance, or opportunities)
– teach them something (that helps them improve in something that matters to them)
2. Spread positive gossip. Get caught talking about your co-workers, in an upbeat way. When the wisps of goodwill make it back to the protagonist, it has a powerful, connective impact – we’re instinctively drawn to our supporters.
3. Give them 10% more. You know how it feels when a waiter, sales clerk, or barista gives that extra effort. It gives you the instant sense, “This is someone I can count on.” Create that same feeling in your co-worker by making a conscious effort to put 10% more effort into what you’re helping them with. It will be noticed by a factor of ten.
4. Engage in shared identity experiences. These include celebrations of team successes or failures, chances to have fun together as a team, and opportunities to work together as a unit to solve a tough problem. Experiencing the same thing with a community of others, good or bad, instinctively pulls people closer together, forming a shared identity.
5. Ask for favors, and advice. When you ask someone for a favor, they’ll often say yes, and then two things happen. First, they know they can now reciprocate and ask you for a favor at some point – that creates a connection. Second, psychology shows that when they say yes, they’ll often rationalize to themselves that it’s because they like you (further drawing them to you). It’s known as the Ben Franklin Effect, based on the story of American statesman Benjamin Franklin, who once asked an opposing lawmaker to borrow a book, someone he hadn’t been on speaking terms with. After the book loaning, the two struck up what became a lifelong friendship.
You can also ask for advice, which makes the person you’re asking feel valued and valuable. You’re now someone they’ve helped, so there’s a positive dynamic in place, drawing you closer.
IMPLEMENTATION (one research-backed strategy, tip, or tool)
Looking for a way to relieve daily stress? Don’t underestimate the power of taking microbreaks – short, 10-minute breaks spread throughout the day to help you “unplug” from stressors. University of Illinois research shows that microbreaks are surprisingly effective for helping you detach and recover from daily stress. It can be as simple as standing up, stretching, getting a healthy snack, or reading a magazine for a bit. It helps shape your mood throughout the day. I use the Pomodoro technique, which is setting a timer to break my work day into intervals, usually 25 – 30 minutes in length, separated by microbreaks.
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