INSIGHTS (on leadership/self-leadership) + IMPERFECTIONS (a mistake many make)
Note: This week I’m blending the Insights and Imperfections sections because the insight (a top regret) is also an imperfection many of us share (we make the mistake of bypassing some important things we can do to not have this regret)
Former palliative nurse and author of The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying, Bronnie Ware, worked closely with patients who were in their waning days of life. Along the way, she recorded literal last words of those she cared for, looking for themes over her years of experience. The number one regret of the dying?
I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
Indeed, poet Oliver Wendell Holmes lamented that “many people die with their music still in them”. Ensure your unique, wonderful symphonies are fully realized by living a courageous and self-congruent life in these three ways:
1. Elevate your values to sacred status
Values are those little things we do each day that exemplify who we are. They’re the daily little impressions you make that leave a huge permanent impression. You have a choice to live each day in support of your values, or in spite of your values. Research indicates that if I asked you to write down your values, only 50 percent of you could rattle off the top one or two quickly. But the real question is, do you consistently live by these values and let them guide you? Do you hold your values sacred? Living by your values turns guesses into good decisions. When we go astray from our values, regrets pile up. You’ll find a tool to help you identify your values in my new book, The Mentally Strong Leader.
2. Follow an Authenticity Code of Conduct
Authentic behavior binds human beings to one another. It’s deeply satisfying for those conducting and receiving; it helps reinforce self-identities and creates bridges to a sense of belonging. In fact, as human beings, one of the most essential ways we search for meaning is by answering such fundamental questions as “Who Am I?” and “Where Do I Belong?” Along the way we continually compare and contrast our present situation to our beliefs about who we are/where we belong, looking for matches and misalignment. It’s when we ignore misalignment that regrets begin to surface.
Here’s an Authenticity Code of Conduct to help you stay true to yourself:
- Be a Beacon of: Transparency, integrity, and honesty
- Be Worthy of: Trust and belief
- Behave: In a genuine and approachable manner, with humility, humanity, and vulnerability
- Believe: In the power of bringing your whole self to light, always
- Be Beholden to: The truth, especially self-truths
- Be the First to: Show passion and productive emotion, to laugh and exude joy
3. Articulate and Activate Your Purpose
Purpose is the Profound Why. Why are we working so hard? For what higher-order reason? Purpose creates a sense of personal mission to do something worthy. The road to regret is paved with lack of purpose. Above all else, purpose is personal. The pursuit of our individual purpose yields tremendous meaning. Meaning starts with “Me” for a reason. If you’re still searching for a sense of purpose, you’re not alone. Try the “Purpose Power Questions” that follow to help unveil what your purpose might be:
- What are your superpowers?
- What are your values and beliefs?
- What would you do for free?
- What part of you is not showing up?
- What have been your happiest moments?
- What have you learned from your misfires and triumphs?
- What deed needs doing?
- Who might you serve?
- What would friends say you were meant to do?
So, what say we live with self-congruency and leave the top regret of the dying where it belongs – on the great To Don’t list of life.
IMPLEMENTATION (one research-backed strategy, tip, or tool)
What happens when you don’t agree with feedback? How do you push back without coming across as defensive or difficult to work with?
By using the Parabola Method. In mathematics, a parabola is a u-shaped curve, as is the model below, which helps you shape your response when you disagree with feedback. I’ll walk through the below, step by step.
As you’re hearing feedback you don’t agree with, it’s important to first lower your defenses. Don’t be defensive, interrupt, or try to quickly find what’s wrong about the feedback so you can dismiss it. Just listen and absorb what they’re saying. It’s hard, but essential.
Now you move to the neutral part of the curve, where you’re asking clarifying questions. Remove defensiveness from your tone, you’re seeking to understand here. Say something like, “I appreciate you sharing this with me. I want to make sure I 100% get what you’re telling me. Can I ask a few clarifying questions?” Then, ask those questions. Ask for examples of when you displayed the shortfall being discussed. If they’re using general labels in their feedback, like, “You need to be more innovative,” ask clarifying questions to get at what they really mean. What you think of as innovative may mean something very different than what the giver actually means. Getting specificity is key here, which you do by asking questions with curiosity and a tone of trying to understand vs. defensiveness.
By the way, be open to any nuggets of truth in what they’re sharing that you can learn from -there often is one. This includes considering any blind spots they might have exposed (something you need to improve you weren’t aware of). Check for blind spots by asking people who know you, “Is there any truth to what they’re saying?”
Also key at this stage is to find the source and the signal. Meaning, what’s the source, the origin of the feedback you’re receiving – what observations did the giver make that led them to the feedback? And what’s the signal they’re trying to send? What about your behavior or output do they want to see change? Getting clarity on these two things helps you understand the feedback better, and either, concede the truth to it, or better formulate your push back.
Now you head up the curve again, as you state your case for pushing back. Start by acknowledging what they said. Remember, it’s not easy for people to give negative feedback, there’s often an element of bravery to it, so you should indicate you at least heard them. It’s here you also explain your perspective, detailing why you disagree. For example, you say, “I understand what you’re saying. To be honest, I have a different perspective that might be of use to you to hear. Can I share it?”
You’ve made your case. Now, as for what happens next, that depends on the situation. If it’s your boss giving the feedback, and they won’t change their position, you have to just move forward and commit to what they’re asking- at least you’ve registered your disagreement in a respectful way. If it’s a co-worker, or someone else, same thing, at least you’ve disagreed in a way they can respect.
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